Finding Solace in Grief: Tips for the Holiday Season

It’s called the most wonderful time of year, but for many Americans struggling with grief, it’s not a festive time. All the holiday parties and decorations meant to bring joy can magnify a grieving loved one’s sense of loss. Family traditions resurface and memories bubble up at times when it’s least expected. This can make social situations extra tough.

Dale Swan is a Chaplain at AccentCare, one of the largest home health, personal care, and hospice providers in the country. He has a few tips to help those coping with grief get through this time of year. “As we face the holidays, we see how things may change now that we’ve lost a loved one,” Dale says. Holiday traditions will be different and most likely difficult to get through. “For some, it is the first or perhaps second time through the holiday season without a loved one and it’s going to be different. But many who have suffered loss in the past still experience anxiety over how to get through this time of year.” He suggests the “three R’s” to help those coping with grief during the holidays: Recognize this is a transitional time. There will be tears, changes, and difficulties, and through it all, you’ll find yourself wishing for the way it used to be. Now you are faced with a new normal. Preparing the holiday meal, shopping, opening presents, and greeting the New Year, things that one looked forward to before will seem like a burden, instead of filled with joy. If only there was a magic word that would take the pain away, move the calendar to mid-January, and get past this. But it’s something we must go through. It will be a time to rely on the support of loved ones, on your faith, on the strength that you will find within.

Remember as you embrace that new normal, use this time to remember. Cherish your memories and traditions; they have made you who you are and help you even as you face the changes. Incorporate the new and the old- perhaps instead of buying so many gifts, you can spend some time with each other reflecting on the gifts the loved one gave us, and what gifts we can give to each other. Or maybe we can give to others this year— One family spent their first holiday season without their loved one being ringers for the Salvation Army outside a retail store. And they found that by bringing goodwill to others they brought it to themselves. Another family worked at the food pantry at their church. Light a candle to remember them. Write a letter to your loved one and place it by the decorations, bring a wreath to the graveside, and leave an empty chair at the meal table. Find a way that you can transition your holiday traditions.

Realize in the midst of sadness, there is a place for joy. A family was telling me of the first Thanksgiving meal after the grandfather had died in October. The mealtime felt terribly sad when one of the grandkids brought up a memory of Grandpa from the end of August when the family had gone to the State Fair. The kids had wanted to go down the big Yellow Slide. Grandpa decided to go too, and headed up with the grandkids, sat on his burlap sack, and headed down the slide. He went airborne on the first bump! They saw a tooth fly out, and then on the last bump he flew again and a couple more teeth went flying. He tumbled off at the end as they rushed to him, but he picked himself up laughing, and said “I’m OK, but I think all my Chiclet gum flew out of my shirt pocket!” As the family retold the story, laughter spread through the whole family. It was a release for everyone, and they realized it was all right to have a good laugh even with their sorrow. They permitted themselves to experience joy in the holidays. The human spirit just cannot be sad 24/7 – and I believe that our spirits are hard-wired to want to heal, find hope, and be whole again. And it is my prayer that you too will find hope and healing and a place for joy and love and peace during this holiday season as you travel your journey.